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Two dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up
two 'working girls' and take them to their
separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get
an erection. His depression is made worse by
the fact that, from the next room, he hears
his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I
come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here
I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I
come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ...
ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the
first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters,
'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an
erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think
that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the
bed.'
******************************************
Holy Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one
night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize
there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and
goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of
soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees
three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against
the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like
he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls
on his manhood. Startled,
he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the
first nun, "It's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory, the second nun also
pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops
the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She
pulls once, Then twice, three times, nothing
happens so she gives several more tugs, then
yells.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion,
too!"
******************************************
One December day we found an old straggly
cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny,
and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a
carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't
know what to call her so we named her
'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for
a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come and get her. My husband
(the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget
to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE
that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My
husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The
vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet
'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other
and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
my husband getting in the last word on
this particular occasion. The next day my
husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next
door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was
full of people waiting to see the doctor. A
side door opened and the vet leaned in - he
had obviously seen my husband arrive. He
looked straight at my husband and in a loud
voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink
any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way,
I think she's pregnant.God only knows who
the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!!
******************************************
If there's a shortage of masks during the
N1H1 flu season, here is a homemade mask you
can make yourself.
It is even compatible with the wearing of
glasses.
One thing though ---
MAKE SURE YOUR MASK IS CLEAN.
******************************************
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Bartenders
A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the
mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the
blond woman's boobs and splashes all over
them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the
mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer
this happens. So after his third beer, he
decides to help the bartender out. The next
time the bartender hit her boobs, the man
jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and
she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez
lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?''Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker
license!'
******************************************
Leaving Work Early
Three girls all worked in the same office
with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work
early. One day, the girls decided that, when
the boss left, they would leave right behind
her.
After all, she never called or came back to
work, so how would she know they went home
early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home
early...she did a little gardening, spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed
early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in
a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and
surprise her husband, but when she got to
her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from
inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the
door and was mortified to see her husband in
bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of
the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the
brunette and redhead planned to leave early
again, and they asked the blonde if she was
going to go with them.
"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost
got caught yesterday!"
******************************************
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved
to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one
wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long
corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short
of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some
of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding
up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence
stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for
that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and
pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK'
he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took
the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you
got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag,
pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold
nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared
the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'Willie' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn
Breathalyzer Test again.!!!
******************************************Ole and Sven
were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled
out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole
for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he
replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he
pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy
Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in
his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??' 'Vell,'
replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.' 'You haff a
Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure It's right here in my
tackle box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' Ole opens
his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good
friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie
for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the
tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his
million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled
with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly
overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven
yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million
bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot
to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew
really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?" |
